Shit I Want to Stop Seeing on Social Media, Effective Immediately

1. Headlines with the following format:

“While everyone was paying attention to [current event], [other current event] occurred!”

You mean to say with seven billion people packed together on the surface of this hell-marble and all the governing bodies of the world racing to see who can annihilate us all the fastest, multiple newsworthy events transpired simultaneously? Well, fuck me sideways! What will I do with this new information?

My favorite thing about this framing is the subtle way in which it trivializes the first current event (which, in the most recent iteration I’ve seen, was the Comey hearing, so, you know, definitely not a big deal) and also judges the reader for their presumed failure to pay adequate attention to every item in the unending funeral procession of fiery nightmares churned out by Herr Shitler’s administration on the daily.

2.  Buzzkilling back-patters:

Last year after the Pulse nightclub massacre, I saw like half a dozen posts in one day that amounted to “How can you plebs care about Pokémon Go at a time like this?” I didn’t even play the stupid game but the pomposity of it all still pissed me off, because how dare people seek comfort in the aftermath of a grotesque hate crime with deadly implications for all queer people and those who love them, amirite? We can’t possibly indulge in a fun, relaxing activity and still be attentive to the tragedy du jour. People can only care about one thing at a time, guys.

More recently, I saw some similarly self-righteous finger-wagging at all who dared snicker at Prawn Goebbels’ #covfefe gaffe and the ensuing parody wildfire, because embracing whatever levity we can find in today’s Lovecraftian news cycle means we’re deeply un-serious Pollyannas too preoccupied with silly Internet memes to care about Real Issues.

3. Virtue-signalling bullshit:

In the fresh horror of every mass shooting in the United States last year, at least a handful of dickbags on Facebook felt the need to share this article about an even more lethal shooting at Garissa University in Kenya. These posts invariably asked why, amid all the hand-wringing over yet more gun violence on American soil, nobody was talking about this other, even more horrific tragedy that had just occurred abroad.  We were so shamefully self-absorbed, so checked out of the global community.

Except by then, the article and the shooting it was about were already a year old, which should tell you two things: 1.) Everybody who shared it was equally ignorant of the event until the article appeared in their news feed, at which point they re-shared it without bothering to actually read it or at least note the publication date, and 2.) The people who shared it didn’t actually give a fuck about the incident either, but saw an opportunity to look more-informed-than-thou and jumped on it like Olympian pole vaulters of grief-policing.

tl;dr: Quit doing this shit. You’re bringing down the curve for the whole class and making yourself look like a huge tool.

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