Cosmo Tips

A couple of years ago I came across several Tumblr blogs parodying the vapid, offensive, and sometimes dangerous dating and sex tips found in women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan. They were hilarious, and since the concept didn’t appear to be the intellectual property of any single individual, I decided to try my hand at writing my own. Periodically I would post a new one on my friends-only Facebook account, and the feedback was always resoundingly positive.

So I’ve decided to share them here. I wrote the last one in May of this year. Maybe if the spirit moves me I’ll come up with more in the future.

  1. Men love the thrill of the chase, so be careful not to appear over-eager by texting too soon after a first date. Heighten the anticipation by waiting three days before following up. Better yet, wait a week. For maximum excitement, never speak to him again and rebuff his every attempt to re-initiate contact. The abrupt and inexplicable freeze-out will set his heart racing! You go, girl!
  2. If there’s one thing men love, it’s spontaneity. Next time you’re en route to dinner, instruct him to pull over and leave the engine running. Then rob a convenience store at gunpoint and flee from the police. For an extra touch of whimsy, try resisting arrest. He’ll be spellbound by your free spirit!
  3. Heat things up between the sheets by covering your man in fire ants while he’s sleeping. ¡Muy caliente!
  4. Before you go handing your number to that hunk at the club, take a look at his body language. If his toes are pointed away from you, his attraction is merely superficial. If his toes are pointed toward you, he connects with you on a deeper level. If his toes are actually hooves, he is a centaur.
  5. For firmer, more youthful-looking skin, make a pact with the devil.
  6. Tease your man by pressing a fork into his thighs, pecs, and abs. Then place him in the oven at 350 degrees and bake for forty-five minutes. Let cool, then add sour cream, chives, and bacon bits. Then devour him so you can possess his power.
  7. The last thing your fella wants to hear after a grueling day in the salt mines is a lot of lady-chatter. Instead of burdening him with your tiresome points of view, smile vacantly into middle distance while he talks about himself, and revel in the satisfaction of being the characterless, person-shaped void he’s always wanted.
  8. Burn fat by setting yourself on fire.
  9. A real man won’t just pick up the tab. He’ll drag a newly killed wildebeest back to your table in his powerful jaws to nourish you and your litter of young. Never settle, ladies.
  10. Shed pounds the fast, easy way by weighing yourself in a base-20 number system.
  11. Transform your online dating profile from SNORE to SCORE with the inclusion of one simple statement: “I love to have fun!”
    This is definitely not a universal characteristic shared by every human being who has ever lived, and emphasizing it will FOR SURE set you apart from the thousands of other singles in your zip code. Get it, girl!
  12. Promote intimacy between you and your man by paying a back-alley surgeon to drug him and suture your bodies together.
  13. Fact: Every man enjoys the thrill of the chase. So when you cross paths with that cutie from human resources, scream “NO! YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!” and sprint away from him as fast as you can.
  14. Rid yourself of that not-so-fresh feeling by shoving a Yankee Candle down your pants.
  15. Wanna be the bad girl of his dreams? Simply whisper in his ear that you singlehandedly bankrupted Enron.
  16. Want a fail-safe strategy for catching and keeping his interest? Play up your sense of mystery! Leave pages from the Voynich Manuscript lying around his house. Dress up as D.B Cooper. Make crop circles on his lawn under cover of darkness. Hint that you may be responsible for the Zodiac killings.
  17. Summer is right around the corner, so for an effortlessly beach-ready body, disguise yourself as an elderly man with a metal detector.
  18. Achieve that perfect bronze glow without exposure to harmful UV rays or toxic self-tanners by rubbing honey barbecue sauce into your skin.